This Personal Growth Stuff is Making Me Tired!

What a week it has been - dealing with an anger situation (see What do my husband, sleep and my Oriental medicine doc have in common?) and my aging hair (see Hair After 40). Now for another big growth spurt – at age 45 I seem to be having growth spurts quite frequently. While I write a lot about Colson, this is really about me going after something that has eluded me my whole life.

I have worked hard to bring many opportunities to Colson, my very soon to be nine year old son, via homeschooling. Physical activities are a big part of that – he is a big kid and he needs to know how to use his big body. Gymnastics, soccer, basketball, swimming. He even has a private basketball/soccer coach to help him. I don’t desire him to be great, but I do desire that he become comfortable, strong and graceful with his body. The physical development quest has led me places I never would have guessed. 

Colson is comfortable and strong, but he is not naturally graceful. To make things more difficult, his outer leg bones grew faster than his inner leg bones, causing his ankles and knees to collapse toward the floor. Luckily, we corrected that through lots of physical therapy and chiropractic, not the surgery to stop bone growth that the orthopedic surgeon wanted to perform. Still, whenever Colson hits a growth spurt, like now, his body tries to revert back to its old ways. According to our PT, he will always be doing physical therapy to function well.

In addition to the leg annoyances, Colson also lacks significant motivation when it comes to sports. Because I am the homeschooling mom and Ryan works, I spend the most time with him, and I get to practice the sports. One problem – I have almost no sports skills. Growing up, I had very little exposure – just a couple years of softball, which is a lot of standing around and very little physical development.

I had exceptionally little parent involvement or instruction and few other opportunities for learning. Fortunately, I taught myself how to swim by watching Mark Spitz in the 1972 Olympics. Talk about cosmic - I vividly remember how swimming suddenly clicked and I idolized Mark. Just do what Mark did - that was all I needed, and I became a heck of a swimmer. Unfortunately, my high school filled its pool with sand due to lack of funds and I never had the chance to prove myself. At least I can teach Colson how to swim.

And now I have to teach Colson other sports. Right. Hence the basketball/soccer coach. Thing is, Colson is not a natural athlete as defined by our culture, and he doesn’t have the drive to improve much. Like me, he is an only child and content to be on his own. He is a really smart guy, rolling along through life and learning. I guess it doesn’t get much better. For me it is sometimes really hard to roll – I had exceptionally challenging younger years and have worked all my life to be the opposite of what I saw growing up.

I want Colson to have the opposite childhood that I had. He is growing up in a secure and loving home with many opportunities. He is very comfortable with himself, and I guess he hasn’t needed to drive himself hard. Unlike me.

I know that in many ways my obsessing over his lack of interest in physical development is silly in the grand scheme of things, but I want him to be like Ryan, graceful and strong. Regardless, Colson is his own person, and I have to become comfortable with the physical skills he develops. I think team sports are important because they keep Colson involved in efforts larger than him and they force him to develop his body. If he doesn’t have the interest to strive to improve, I have to be ok with that.

As if the Colson sports struggle wasn’t enough…there is more. I was an unnoticed wallflower until 28, when a boyfriend encouraged me to work out. I became really strong and my confidence grew with my physical strength and my life exploded in the best possible ways.

Weight training and running, that is all I know. Now I am working out with Colson and his soccer/basketball coach and picking up new skills. At age 45 I have learned to shoot a basketball pretty darn well. I can drain three pointers. And my dribbling is coming along. Who knew??? And now we are moving on to soccer.  

This is what gets me. I look at our coach, a young guy of 21, and I see so much power and grace. When he is coaching and playing he is really something to behold. Something I always wanted and never had. Something I really want for Colson. Colson may not have the personality or drive to achieve that, and it has been tearing me up. I have hidden it pretty well, and thankfully I have realized that my frustration is more directed at myself than Colson. That kid is just happy and moving along quite well through life. If he doesn’t achieve physical grace, he will be fine with that. And if he wants it, I have realized he can get it later in life just as I am.

At 45 I can finally strive for the grace that I see in Ryan and our coach, but I hadn't realized it until now. I so wanted to participate in a drill our coach was doing with one of Colson’s friends today (Colson's wonky ankle was bothering him and he wasn't playing), but I just don’t have what it takes. Yet. It was upsetting me immensely – they were having so much fun and I was just watching. I had no skill and grew more upset. I couldn’t wrap my head around it until I explained it all to Ryan. He says that he thinks my body is telling me that now is the time for me to develop my grace and balance because as people age they lose those attributes. What he says sounds about right. And there is even dancing in our future - Ryan is a gorgeous dancer.

Seventeen years ago when I first saw Ryan and stared at him for two hours during a street concert in Savannah, he waved me over and tried to get me to come and talk to him while he played hacky sack. He was graceful and beautiful. Knowing that there was no way that I could remotely play and how mortified I would be if he found out, I wouldn’t get up. Eventually, when the friend I was with got up to get another drink, Ryan came over and talked to me, and the rest is an amazingly wonderful history.

Today I told Ryan that I wanted to learn hacky sack and then that crazy fun soccer drill, and he had a good laugh. It only took 17 years, but I am finally ready to learn. If Colson comes along for the ride, then all the better, and I now understand that he has to do it on his own terms. 

P.S. I now finally get our coach's belief that the learning the game should be fun - that fun shouldn't just come in when you have achieved a certain level of competence. I have spent a lot of years working hard and not focusing on the fun part. If fun came into the process, great, but if not, I just plowed ahead. Thankfully, when practicing with Colson, I did look for fun things to do (thanks coach) - it just wasn't natural and not often enough.

Comments

[Maury]

I love this. I have always been invoved in sports, but have always felt very ungraceful. Not sure that is a true attribute, just the way we see ourselves. Our family started taking Tae Kwon Do 4 years ago, and at first it all felt very strange and awkward, but now, it is not so much. I am working on my 2nd degree black belt. I have so much to learn, but occassionally I get a compliment from a lower rank who sees me as "Graceful" and even though my instructor is good with compliments, his job is to point out what I am doing wrong, so it is nice to hear from someone that I am graceful. Keep practicing, and you will do those drills, with grace. I too need to add fun into the occassion! Thanks!

[Laura Combs]

Thanks, Maury, for the understanding and support - you rock! Just back from playing Hacky Sack and trying to improve.

[Mind Movies Matrix]

Maybe it is not the right thing for and you need to find the most appropriate way to boost your skills and capabilities and your positive output towards life.